Friday Fictioneers 100W – A Last Glance


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He observed the frontier; his frontier, with scanning eyes, tired gloves holding the reins, but a heart still burning a fire of pride. With his back arched straight, muscles taut, he turned his horse gently. Just then he thought he heard a sound, and hand on saddle, twisted and glanced across into the mist. Not a troublesome sound. Not a clearly definable sound, more of a ‘twang!’ and a slight ‘woosh!’ And only once, no more. He relaxed. The arrow sped across the prairie, grass blades neatly carved in split seconds by glinting tip, before thudding, hard, into his chest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This story is 99W exactly.

Thanks to Rochelle! Picture this week by Erin Leary

Categories: Flash Fiction | Tags: , , | 50 Comments

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50 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers 100W – A Last Glance

  1. Oh, I like this very much. I am not a writer. I am a poet and artist. I admire your talent for writing a story. I write poetry,prose and many forms of Japanese poetry. This is a great post. Happy you liked my Haiku The rising Sun

    Melanie
    bd

    my other blog: http://www.beloved47.blogspot.com

  2. Knew that something was going to happen, but did not expect an arrow. like the description. well done

  3. I thought that ‘his frontier’ was a bit too propietorial. Great descriptions and pacing in that last sentence allowing us to see the arrow flying towards him.

  4. So much tension and release, just like the bow and arrow. I loved the feeling of the last second of his life being played out detail by detail – and of course there is the question of who actually ‘owned’ the land.
    Well told, Hamish :)

    • Sorry for the late reply, and will swing by, for sure – Thanks very much for such great words, and taking the time to say them. Appreciated a lot!

  5. Oh wow!Did not see that end coming!Poor thing-he really was tired!Excellent detailing Managua,loved it :)

  6. The first scene of a movie. A real kick-off. I liked the scanning eyes, the tired gloves.
    (Perhaps that first semicolon should be a comma?)

    • Thanks for those words, very much appreciated, I looked closely at what you said. Sorry for the late reply and will swing by soon….

  7. I liked this, I like what isn’t being said here, but I wonder, if maybe there aren’t too many adjectives? and for some reason the repetition of the word “still” in those first two lines, snags me out of the rhythm.

    • You are right, those two ‘stills’ are very sloppy, didn’t ‘see’ that properly – thanks very much, must modify that. Will have a look at those adjectives.

  8. I held my breathe, only releasing it in a painful sigh at the end. Well done, my sparring partner. :-)

  9. Hamish, Well done. Good description. This reminds me of Westerns where the settlers were still fighting the Indians. My dad was an “armchair cowboy” and we saw a lot of those movies. :) —Susan

  10. Dear Managua,

    A descriptive ambient piece with a painful end. Effective and well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  11. Beautifully written. Perfect build-up of tension, but not too much, so we are surprised in the end. Expertly done!

  12. great atmospheric piece. felt like i was watching the whole thing happen before my eyes and when i heard the twang… i wanted to warn him. wonderfully done.

  13. This is a very moody piece. Calm, tiredness, pride. The only thing that tripped me up was the idea of tired gloves. Where were the hands? Just my 2 cents. Lovely read. Alicia

    • Sorry for the late reply, and will swing by – I looked at what you said closely. I think I was trying to be too clever there. Still on my mind. Thanks very much. Appreciated!

  14. Oh I love the description… but I find my mind going to the back-story.. surely “his frontier” was the land of other’s so just maybe (and I assume it was your intention) we should not feel too sorry for this, but more a sense of sadness for all that is lost, and what will happen afterwards…

  15. I love the feel of this piece – it’s like the opening (or ending) of a movie, and you give us some much about the man through the voice. My only concrit is the use of “just then”, which always feels a bit melodramatic to me – it stood out against the rest of the language.

    • Sorry for the late reply, and will swing by – I looked at what you said closely, I know you are right, and am still trying different ways in mind. Thank you again for taking the time to let me know. Appreciated!

  16. Such observation and care taken, only to be ambushed by an arrow. Very realistic and you gave a glimpse into what was important to him in the few words you had.

    janet

    • Your photo did give me the idea of a guy on a horse at his ranch – having worked hard for so long, then to lose all just like that. Thanks Janet

  17. What delicious descriptive prose, each moment captured by wonderful phrasing, building to the punch of an ending. Very well done.

    • Sorry for the late reply, and will swing by – for sure I looked at what you said closely, as your comments are especially valued. Thanks very much.

  18. Ouch. I guess he won’t be surveying his frontier again, then!

  19. I love it! My kind of story. Thanks for the visit and follow. Will follow back as I like your style.

  20. Hey, all right! A Western theme, here. LOVE it! I’m ready for more, Managua. Bring it on!

  21. “He observed the frontier; his frontier…” Well, it seams he paid the ultimate price for his ignorance. So many layers in this story, good job.

  22. You captured a second of two of life with this, or death most probably. Nicely done.

  23. Dear Managua,

    The sped arrow comes not back. We are always pushing at the borderlines. The story of man writ small and sharp and deadly.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  24. This was so graphic, every last detail meticulously included to etch the picture on our imagination. So very well done! I felt I was there, observing.

Play - will tap the ball back!

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